Ewe.Life

Moments de ma vie...

Vendredi 8 mars 2019 à 15:00

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Aujourd'hui, je suis reprise par ce sentiment d'abandon.

Je ne sais pas pourquoi mais j'ai repense a ce que j'ai fait il y a 3 semaines maintenant.

Je n'etais pas sensee me sentir aussi seule, aussi perdue aujourd'hui. Mais voila, aujourd'hui je suis seule dans mon appartement avec tout le temps du monde pour me remettre en question et repartir sur de bonnes bases.

Seulement, je me rappelle que je me ne me suis jamais sentie aussi seule il y a 3 semaines dans la peur et le doute.
Je me suis debarassee de "l'alien" comme on l'appelait avec le peu d'amis qui etaient au courant, pendant ce moment de souffrance, mon amie n'etait pas la et je n'avais aucune presence physique pour m'aider a surmonter cette epreuve. 
Je ne pouvais meme pas en parler a ma mere qui pourtant sait tout ce qu'il y a a savoir sur ma vie. 

En l'espace de 4 jours, j'ai perdu "l'alien", une bonne chose me dirait vous etant donne que je ne le voulais pas et que vu ma relation avec le pere (haha c'est marrant de dire ca), c'est encore mieux comme ca. Certes, mais ca reste une epreuve que j'ai traverse seule. Mais j'ai aussi perdu la personne sur laquelle, je me reposais ces 2 derniers mois et surtout le mois derniers. 

Mon sentiment d'abandon a double en 4 jours... J'ai ete attaquee sur tous les plans et la encore, j'ai ete seule.
2 pertes et seulement moi pour y faire face. 
Mes amies etaient la par messages et au telephone mais ce n'est pas suffisant quand on est juste epuisee et qu'on a besoin que quelqu'un soit la. 

J'aimerais en parler a ma mere, mais j'ai peur de sa reaction. Il vaut peut-etre mieux que je traverse tout ca seule. Ca me permettra peut-etre d'en sortir grandi qui sait. 

Pour le moment, je dirais que je m'enfonce dans une coin sombre... encore. Je suis limite en mode autodesctruction mais je ne sais pas comment m'arreter. Je veux juste ressentir autre chose que le vide... et etre seule ne m'aide pas a penser a autre chose que tout ce qui est parti en vrille ces derniers temps.

Je suis tellement a la ramasse que je fais une pause dans mes etudes parce que je n'arrive pas a m'en remettre. Je ferais peut-etre mieux d'aller voir un.e psy et juste parler sans filtre avec quelqu'un qui peut m'offrir des avis et des conseils en direct.

Je suis juste perdue. La situation est hors de controle.



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